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cola warrior


cola warrior II

before i get into this strange event, i should preface it by explaining two things:

  1. i come from a very competitive family.
  2. my brother is ex-military, works overseas 80% of the time and has extensive experience in the middle-east. As a result, he’s become a sort of gun expert/god: he’s been published in Guns & Ammo (under a pseudonym) covering afghanistan weapons history and currently is the forum equivalent of rappstar on slowtwitch, except on the pleasant-sounding gun forum called “”. Seriously, he has a cult following.

so when I went home a few weeks back to take part in my brother's second annual “cola warrior”, i wasn’t sure what to expect. previous reports from the inaugural cola warrior portrayed it as part crossfit competition, part eating content, part beer mile, part shooting competition and all parts crazy. i like to think of it as a redneck biathlon… supplemented with peeps & coke (don't ask—this "event" made zero sense even to me). in all, almost 40 folks showed up to my brother's middle-of-nowhere property—some driving 17-hours and staying the weekend—just to participate in and spectate these shenanigans.

The course:

1. throw 75-lb bag over shoulder and jump over hurdles

2. climb conex box (those metal storage containers) and hand-over-hand the length of it. some people actually hung – but I knew I’d slip and fall off so I went palms flat:

3. handstand up against the conex box and walk on your hands the length of the box

4. hoist weight with pulley (don’t know how much)


5. push 1200lb rhino 4x4 approx 20-ft, slightly uphill and rough terrain. the trick here was to lift with your arms and push with your legs. WAY harder than you’d think.... like the prowlers we used to do with penn volleyball... but on steroids.

6. eat 5 easter egg marshmellow Peeps (got to choose color: pink, blue or yellow!) following photos presented without comment ;)

7. disassemble and reassemble a very beat-up AK-47 (originally from Afghanistan and “dressed up” accordingly. apparently afganis like green tape over their guns… who knew?)

8. run ½ mile to shooting range: my favorite part! though PowerBar gels go down a LOT easier than peeps.

9. shoot a whole bunch of targets

i do have to brag here - hit five of the six pistol targets in a row. pretty good for someone who has only been to the shooting range twice in her life!

10. drink a whole six-pack of Cola – your choice of poison but there was a 10-minute limit. if you threw up (which many did!) you couldn’t count the final one. since my dad and brother were watching/taking photos, i stopped after three because I was NOT going to boot in front of them. hello, trying to preserve some dignity!

every obstacle you skipped/messed up on and every “food item” not consumed was a 5-minute time penalty. so since i did everything but drink 3 of my 6 sodas, I only walked away with 15-minutes of penalties. some fared much worse. i'll spare you guys the many, many puke photos.

overall though, I crushed a whole bunch of boys and ex-military. the standings:

  • RustedAce: 9:58
  • Blitz_308: 16:32
  • Double Claw 24:22
  • Kaik: 25:17
  • Ragin_Cajun: 30:59
  • Captain Morgan: 32:25
  • MiniMag-R: 32:55
  • Suprq7 33:02
  • Ehenry Jr: 33:23
  • LandRaider: 33:31
  • UncivilEngineer 36:01
  • Usp45Tim 36:56
  • Dr.Badazz 37:54
  • EEsmith 41:11
  • FFsparky26 44:34
  • Kimber 45 42:00
  • Ehenry 45:26
  • Blitz Jr: 45:29
  • AKengineer: 52:20
  • LandoSystem 52:42
  • Currahee 55:21
  • Fugative 90:01

while the photos give you a decent idea of the course, the best footage has to be of my brother doing it in a blazing fast 9:58. seriously—mind-boggling. to be fair, he designed it and it’s right up his alley but JEEZ-LOUISE:


overall though it was all in good fun. the guys had spent the night at my brother's trailer on this property he has out in the middle of nowhere (coincidentally, only a few miles from britney spears' birthplace) and had a crawfish boil, outdoor grills, tents, you name it.

and that, my friends, is "cola warrior." anyone still in for cola warrior III?

lastly, the highlight: the cutest baby in the world also showed up to spectate—my niece, the littlest cola warrior. cue the "awwwws":